Tuesday, September 15, 2020

Somedays...are very hard.

Days like today, where my mind will not quiet down, dredging up memories of the past. Ones I can't change, nor doing anything about. Guilt for not being a better mom, even though I know I'm doing the best I can. Guilt for not being a better wife, even though my husband would tell me and you that I'm the best.

I recently came off of antidepressants because they were making me have self harm thoughts. Unfortunately my doctor wouldn't return my phone calls, so I fired her for that reason, among many others. Don't worry about it much, I have an appointment with someone I am hoping will be a better doctor for myself. 

Right now I'm wading through the bad days where my mind convinces me I'm not worthy. Again, don't worry, I won't hurt myself. I know I have two amazing kids, a damn good man, and plenty of friends and family I can turn to for help if I need it. 

I wanted to share this in the moment, this raw feeling with you all, because you don't see it online much. People don't talk about the hard days. Most of the time you get a picture you see a happy life. A persona of what person wants you to see. I try to be a little more authentic both online and in my socials. Tomorrow will be better. And even if it is not, it will get better. One day at a time.

Monday, September 14, 2020

Virtual Learning Thoughts & PNW Fires



There is so much going on between my 1st grader and my 3rd grader. Having to switch gears between the two different grade levels leaves me mentally exhausted and kinda cranky by the end of the day. Once their done (in between trying to run a house and be quiet while I get the house work done) I have to jet off to work, then come home and make dinner and start our nightly routine. 

Finding time to spend with my husband and or just me time has been really hard. I am hopeful that this week will go a little more smoothly than last week did now that we are finding our groove and working out the kinks. Last week I will fully admit that I was not a fan of this virtual learning system and was very frustrated with how it was implemented and that most of the things that we were told to expect either were changed and there was no communication about it, or just didn't happen. It left me feeling frustrated because I had no answers for the kids as to why it wasn't happening or any direction I could help them move in so they could do their school work. By the end of the week though it seemed that those kinks were finally getting ironed out.

Here is hoping this week goes better. I will keep you all updated on our virtual learning journey. Now onto the fires that are currently plaguing the Pacific North West.

It has been very scary around here these last few days. While our family is no where near the fires we are getting hit with smoke from all around us. We have friends and family that are in direct paths of the fire. Most have been told to prepare to evacuate, others have lost their homes and lands. Last I check we also have the worst air quality in the world right now. Below are a couple pictures I captured from the last three days.




I tried to do the crock pot air purifying thing I saw going around facebook. I googled it and it seems to be pulling the smoke smell from the air, at least in the kitchen. The longer I run it the more it seems to pull the odor from the air. Now most of the facebook posts I have been reading say that it pulls the toxins from the air. I don't know if it does that or if it was the rosemary and essential oil that turned the water brown and yucky looking. Nothing I have found on my searches suggest that it does or does not. Just in case I will post the two photos below. You be the judge. Either way I am just happy the smoke smell in my house seems to be going away.



That is all I have to update for now. Be safe out there and if you are being effected by the fires -- don't worry, we are in this together. I pray the firefighters fighting the fires are not only safe but that they can get them under control soon.

Wednesday, September 9, 2020

What Happened to Summer?

This summer was crazy busy and hectic. We got displaced from out home Memorial Day weekend due to my husband's exposure to the Corona Virus. 

What we thought was a one time exposure that would require us to quarantine away from him for 2 weeks turned into an 11 week call out at his work. What a long 11 weeks it was!

We spent two weeks with my Dad and Mom. There was Smores and game nights and school. 

And then we moved in with friends who had a few spare bedrooms. We would spend the rest of the summer there. We finished out the school year, went on lots of walks, swam, broke open geodes, had some super awesome visitors and made some new friends and I even performed a wedding!

I dyed my hair teal green right before the 4th of July!

This puppers was the cutest. She would watch us sew in the sewing room/bedroom. Our precious Teeny girl.

After Our friends left my computer parts came in so we took a trip to see my sister and brother-in-law. They helped me rebuild it.

Isn't swinging on a tire swing the epitome of summer....or childhood in general?

Kaileb learned how to mow a law. He now wants to mow our lawn so we can give him money for it.

We even got a sweet visit from Auntie Robin. She loves these two like they were her own niece and nephew.

 After the wedding I got the best news ever! We would be moving home in a few short weeks. I didn't end up taking a lot of photos after that because we got super busy with life.

Reunited after 11 weeks apart. This was the best day ever. The Grandparents had the kiddos so that I could get us moved in and clean up and disinfect the house before going and getting them the next day.
I thought getting to see my husband after 11 weeks was the highlight of our summer but seeing him and the kids be reunited was by far the best thing ever.

We took a trip with my friend, Sara and her daughter to Rimrock and swam in the river and took a little hike.

And that pretty much ended our adventurous summer. One that I really do not wish to repeat, but also will cherish too.

Those 11 weeks of forced separation was grueling mentally for everyone involved and we are so glad it is over. Our next adventure is going to be virtual school while we wait for the world to go back to normal again.

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

Jackson: A Stand-Alone Dark Romance (Rydeville Elite Book 5)

Release/Review Blitz: Jackson (Rydeville Elite, #5) by Siobhan ...

Jackson is everything I wanted for this book and so much more. Siobhan nails it with this much anticipated book! Ever since I read the other Ryderville books, Jackson was an enigma and I had hoped she would give him his own book. My wish was answered, and not only did it meet my expectations but it completely exceeded them. 

Jackson and Vanessa have been through hell and back, and as their story unfolds you see just how much they have over come to get the answers they both desperately needed. Needless to say I had a few book hangovers because I just did not want to put this book down. I voluntarily reviewed an advance complimentary copy of this book.

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

Rebellion by Siobhan Davis: Review

Rebellion (The Sainthood - Boys of Lowell High, #2)Rebellion by Siobhan Davis
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I thought book 1 was good....book 2 is even better! These cliff hangers kill me though! I can not wait for book 3 to come out! I love Harlow and the boys, I love their dynamic, and how they just own their relationship. I love Siobhan's reverse harem books, they make you not only think outside of your comfort zone, but you also get to add in this amazing girl who has been through hell and back, and she owns her story, owns her sexuality, owns that she is in a relationship with more than one guy, and those guys are all okay with it.

Siobhan does not shy away from the hard stuff, and I found myself running the roller coaster of emotions, I cried, I was angry, and I was happy....I could not put Rebellion down to save my life. Harlow and her boys have this dynamic that is just something else, you would have to read the book to know what I am talking about.

Siobhan Davis will run your emotions into the ground and then some. She is a true wordsmith.
I voluntarily reviewed an advance complimentary copy of this book.

View all my reviews

Wednesday, February 26, 2020

Do You Suffer From Depression?

I do. And sometimes it makes it really hard to want to do things. Mine also comes with anxiety. I have no problem talking to people and usually make friends pretty quickly. When I have to confront someone and stand up for myself or my kids, my eye will start leaking.


Which, usually leads to someone handing me a box of tissues, thinking I am crying and just being overly emotional.

Yeah...raise your hand if that happens to you?

After that is when I get really angry and on myself, because normal people don't do that right? This is mainly why I am medicated for my anxiety and depression. It is one of the reasons I stay on it.

I have also thought about counseling....but I keep putting that off. I know there is nothing wrong with going and talking to someone. I guess I am just afraid of what might be dredged up, and I am not sure I am ready to open that can of worms just yet.

I have blogged before about my childhood. I know there is a lot of trauma there.

Do you suffer form depression? Anxiety?

Yeah. Me too.

Friday, January 31, 2020

Resurrection Review

Such an amazing reverse harem story! Harlow and the Sainthood is something you need to experience. Siobhan Davis is a true wordsmith and I am left in awe, anger, sadness, and about all the emotions while reading this book. 

Will you get mad? Yes. Will you cry? Yes. Will you feel all the feels? Yes. Don't just take my word for it -- grab yourself a copy and see what I mean. Once you start reading Siobhan you will become obsessed.

Harlow is an amazingly strong female lead character. Harlow went through a traumatic experience that she felt broke her, but I think it make her a stronger person/character. The boys....Saint, Galen, Caz, and Theo are junior members of the Sainthood and when Saints father gets involved with Harlow's mother they move to Lowell. Where they try their best to make Harlow's life difficult, but the attraction between them all is intense! 

Thankfully this will be a part of a series cause it was one heck of a cliffhanger. I don't want to spoil the story for you, so I will leave it there. If you purchase this book enjoy it as much as I have. Remember this is a reverse harem book.

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Tuesday, January 28, 2020

Little Life Update.

Wow, 2019 really got away from me. A lot happened in the last year -- from loss of a family member, to being in a really bad car accident that I am finally healing from. Okay – well maybe that isn’t a whole lot of things, but when you are dealing with debilitating pain, doctors almost every single day and all of them tell you that you are fine, but they believe you are in pain and proceed to write you off and not do anything further to help you, you end up falling into a deep dark hole.

Without the support of my family and friends I don’t think I could have survived the last 10 months. The pain I was in was excruciating. I was NOT a joy to be around. I tried my best to not take it out on my loved ones, but I know I was a very cranky short tempered person. If it were not for my kids and husband, I would have given up. Instead I kept pushing and pushing my doctor for answers.
I am finally getting those answers and help from an amazing doctor who decided to look further into my pain and try other options than throwing pain medication at me. Pain medication I refused to take anyway.

I know how that sounds, being in that amount of pain and refusing pain meds? If you have been here a while you know that my mother was a drug addict and I was born on heroine (her drug of choice at the time). I am more petrified of becoming an addict than I ever was of the pain. I would rather suffer than go down that road. I digress; the point is this doctor has almost gotten all of my pain under control. We are working a few other things to finish up my treatment. Once that is done, I can finally give my lawyers the go ahead to close my case and hopefully end this almost year long nightmare.  

Fingers crossed! I really hope this is the case as I really do not want to keep jumping through hoops for medical care. Especially when it is obvious the “specialist” don’t care at all.