Monday, August 6, 2012

Why I'm NOT Breast Feeding

Breast feeding has been a huge issue around the internet here lately. I can't tell you how many times I log into my personal Facebook or Twitter account and see it blown up with pictures or posts for breast feeding.
As a mom I realize the benefit of breast feeding. I was able to breast feed Kai for about three weeks. Then due to some health issues my supple went dry. I was devastated. I felt like the worlds worst mother. I tried everything from eating crap I hated, to drinking tea (I am NOT a tea person), I took fenugreek 3 times a day averaging 12 fenugreek a day and even drank a nasty tincture my midwife gave me to help keep my supply up and running. None of it worked.
I felt like my body betrayed me.
Then came the onslaught of "its okay you did your best" or "at least your son got 3 weeks of mama's milk from you".
I know all those statements were to make me feel better, but honestly they made me even more angry. Even more upset that my body failed my son.
Everything that I wanted to happen from pregnancy to birth to nourishing my child went wonky.
I wanted a home birth - ended up having a hospital birth.
I did not want to be constantly monitored while in labor - ended up being constantly monitored.
I did not want to be put on my back at all in while in labor - ended up delivering Kai on my back.
Did not want to be put on pitocin - has to be put on pitocin .
Did not want any interventions during labor - ended up having to have the vacuum placed on his head to deliver Kai.
I wanted to breast feed for the first year of Kai's life - only was able to breast feed for 3 weeks.
Seriously the only thing that went the way I wanted it to was that I was able to keep most of my pregnancy and deliver all natural. I did not take any man made medicine while pregnant and I did not have any pain relief during labor.
I know that Kai is a happy healthy baby and I should be thankful for that. I am thankful for that but I still feel like I let him down in someway.
I am seriously counting the days down till I hit 6 months postpartum. I can't wait to start testing for PCOS. After researching I am fairly certain that I will test positive for PCOS and if it does come back that I have it, then at least I can finally start understanding what is going on with my body.
I guess you can say this is my long winded explanation as to why I am not breast feeding my child.

oh so many ways to follow along

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