My 3 Biggest Fears

1. Not being there for my family. My mom was not there for us girls growing up. Her addiction to drugs was more important than trying to get sober for us, for her family. Leaving my Dad and my Grandma to raise us. I know that because of the way I was raised I am the person I am today. But I missed out on so much due to it also. My Grandma should have been able to experience being a Grandma to her grandchildren and not having to raise us. My Dad should have been able to be a Dad instead of working himself ragged to make sure that we had everything we needed. My biggest fear is turning into that [not that I will]. This was something I had to deal with while being pregnant. I couldn't help but fear that I would follow my Mother's foot steps - even though I knew that it would never happen.
2. Spiders. As a young child, my mom would get high and give me a bath. She would then take out her jar of spiders that she collected and place them on my feet, telling me not to move cause they would bite me. I had to let her do this too because if I didn't I would get the belt. It was a lose lose situation. To this day I will run away from spiders. Although I have come a long way from seeing one and running out the door screaming "KILL IT!" I have even managed to kill a spider or two myself in the last couple of years.
3. Losing my child(ren). After my miscarriage last August one of my biggest fears is losing my child(ren). It was something that I had to work through when I found out I was pregnant with Kai. The further I got along with my pregnancy  the more I was afraid I was going to lose him. It took me up until here recently to be okay and allow myself to grieve the loss of one baby and celebrate the life of my handsome little boy. I had to relearn how to breath again and realize that Kai is mine to keep. I know life is unpredictable and I can not know what the future will hold but I am going to celebrate my son's life and the life of any children we may have in the future. I can not keep letting this fear of loss paralyze me.

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20 Random Things

1. My favorite color used to be red and I stubbornly kept it that way for years. Why? Because when I was 5 or 6 years old I was told that red could only be a boy’s favorite color and I couldn’t have it as my favorite color.
2. I come across as shy...then you get to know me.
3. I will run screaming out of any room/house if I see a spider. Usually I am yelling "Kill It!" while I do this.
4. I have a weird obsession with turtles. My son's room is completely decked out in them.
5. I will have a panic attack if you touch my feet unexpectedly. 
6. I was raised by my Grandma and my Dad.
7. I had a really rough childhood and over came a lot to be where I am at today.
8. I love road trips.
9. I swear I have the worlds longest torso. Seriously most shirts (even tall/long shirts) are to short on me.
10. I'm 5'5"
11. I have a thing for red heads--er, well more like I am totally jealous and wish I was a natural red head.
12. I am a total book worm.
13. I have to sleep in the dark in dead silence or I can not fall asleep. Once asleep I am dead to the world.
14. I'm a total jeans and tank top girl.
15. Unless I am working out or it is winter you will most likely find me barefoot or in flip flops.
16. I have a sailors mouth.
17. When I was pregnant with Kaileb I craved sushi. I had never had it before and had to wait to try it until I had him. Now I can't get enough.
18. I loathe doing laundry. Most of the time my husbands does it, then has to hear me complain cause he washed something that was supposed to get done by hand.
19. I have watched every episode of Charmed more times than I can count. Seriously can not stop watching that show.
20. I am a Pagan High-priestess and have been practicing since 1999.

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Fat Butt Friday on Saturday

So the last few days I have been super busy. I worked Thursday from 9am-9pm and then went to the gym from 10pm-midnight.
Don't worry baby boy was spending some much needed time with daddy.

I didn't do to well this week. Trying to get so many things done and ended up eating badly the last few days and not consuming enough water.
I ended up gaining a pound. 
While this bums me out, it just proves to me that even though I am tired and exhausted that I still need to get up and go for at least a walk. Even if I know halfway through it little mister is going to get really cranky.

Baby boy, Jinxie and I went on a walk once this week. The rest of the week I was so exhausted because Kai would not sleep before 4am in the morning.
Before I get comments telling me to let him cry it out I want to say that at 3 months old I do not feel he should be left to cry it out.
Yes he does cry sometimes while I finish eating or am going to the bathroom but usually within 10 minutes of this he is in my arms and I am calming him down. 
As a first time mom, I appreciate advice from you seasoned mom's but I am going to do what feels right to me.

Those late nights ended up with me having a few mocha's in the wee hours of the morning [only on the days I went to work though].

Not the best breakfast, but it worked. [pst. did you notice I permed my hair?]

The last two days were a lot better though. I went to the gym last night with my friend Amanda. We did a couple of miles on the elliptical. Worked our arms and legs and then ended in the pool for an hour.

That was Thursday.

Last night [Friday] Kai and I joined Destiny from Rockin' Mama on a nice 2.5 mile walk with her 4 littles.

It was awesome to finally be able to hang out with this gal. She is a hoot and a half and her 4 littles were just too cute! Probably some of the most well behaved kids I have been around in a long time. It was very refreshing to be able to hang out with such an awesome mama and see her cute little family.

If you don't know who she is check out her blog here.

Anyway, this post is kind of random and all over the place.

To get down to the bare bones of it...

I screwed up this week.

Time to get serious next week. No more excuses.

Don't forget to go check out Joni from Six Cherries On Top for her Fat Butt Friday post. It has been awesome chatting with her on kik [@ CapturingMagic] and encouraging each other to work out, drink water, and do better.

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30 Things

I am linking up and going to be doing this once a week.

First post will be live tomorrow.

 1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for

You can post each day or once a week. But please link up so I can read along and we can all get to know eachother alittle more! To link up head over to Best of Both Worlds. : ) It will be fun! I know for me I can't promise a post everyday and have failed most challanges but I'm really looking forward to this and having other bloggers do it along with me! Link will be open for 30 days so spread the word!  -------------------------------------------------------------------



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Monthly Update: 3 Months

I can't believe that 3 months ago I was pushing this handsome little guy out of me.

He has grown so much in the last 3 months. His personality has really started showing.

This kid is a people watcher. I wear him a lot and the only way he likes it is if he can face out and watch everyone or everything.

It totally blows my mind that he is mine.

In the last 3 months he has gone from a sleeping all the time to being awake most of the day.

He loves to play and interact with everyone around him.

He is so loving. He's a little cuddler.

Oh those little feet! I just had to share a picture of those awesome turtle shoes that he got at his baby shower!

I am really looking forward to seeing him grow in the months to come. I can't wait to see the person he is going to become!

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