Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Weight Gain Fears

Now that I am pregnant, I am trying not to gain too much weight other than what is acceptable for my height and size. I know I am already overweight and from what I have been reading that does not give me much wiggle room.  Seriously I am afraid to look at the scale. I really do not want to see it clime. Since I am using a midwife I have to keep track of my own weight so I know that when I wake up tomorrow it is time to see how much I have gained. I know that I should not be complaining but my weight is something that I have battled long and hard with.

Growing up I weighed 120lbs and was in the best shape of my life. Although in the summer I would gain 5lbs. That weight gain would make my Grandmother put me on a diet because I was getting to fat. As soon as school started and sports got back into full swing I would lose it. Although there’s the rub, my Grandma would then say that I am too skinny and put me on another diet to gain weight. She always thought I was bulimic or anorexic and would threaten hospital stays if I didn’t gain/lose weight.

Well, when I moved out and got on birth control my weight jumped to 140lbs. I was right where I was supposed to be for my height and body type. Before I was actually to thin for my doctors liking. Thanks to birth control I was able to gain that weight no problem. It drove my Grandma crazy. She would constantly tell me she was concerned about my health because it was not healthy for me to be that big. Well that concern would actually be valid after my car accident. When I got into my car accident I messed up the nerves in my lower back and tore the muscle around my rotator cup. I had tendinitis and bursitis, with water pockets that were forming cysts around my entire right shoulder. I could not even pick up a pencil. It felt like it weighed 100lbs.

Their solution: a cortisone shot in between my shoulder and shoulder blade instead of doing surgery. I was only 20 so I agreed. I thought I was too young to be going through surgery so I gladly accepted. Little did I know that in less than 10 months I would be weighing over 210lbs. Talk about a blow to your self esteem, watching yourself gain all this weight and nothing you did seemed to reverse it. I have cried, I have been depressed, I have been angry. I have tried everything from a good workout routine and steady low carb/fat free diet to lose the weight. Well fast forward a few years down the road. I am now 26 years old, pregnant and at my last weigh in I had hit 230lbs
I cried. I know that I am gaining weight because I am pregnant. I know that that is going to happen throughout the pregnancy. Does it mean that I am happy about it? Not one bit. I know that in order to have a healthy baby this is a natural part of the process. I probably sound whiny and should get over it. Harder said than done, even my dad now lectures me on my weight. Although he doesn’t say much to me now that I am pregnant. It can be hard at times. I have cried over the lectures, I have had every test possible ran. I see a massage therapist to help me relax because my muscles are all in knots. I see a chiropractor to relieve my back, neck, and shoulder pain. It is only a brief relief from the pain I am in every day. Sometimes exercising helps, especially yoga. Other times I come home in more pain than when I went in the first place. My shoulder still swells if I over exert it, which happens a lot since it is my dominate arm.

The one thing I really hope is that after this baby is born that I can get even more serious about losing the weight that I had gained during and before the pregnancy. I hope that it will help relieve some of the pain I am in everyday and I will be able to enjoy my child all that much more for it. Not to mention I will be able to keep up with him/her a lot better too.

Wow, I wrote a lot. If you read all this, I thank you. Good night.

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